Defining Consent
“Define consent in one sentence.”
As my therapist relaxed her writing hand and cradled the pen horizontally across her notepad, I felt like I was finally one step ahead of her. It was a simple gesture that typically goes unnoticed by me. But since my last session of being bested by her clinical psyop game, I've watched exactly two YouTube videos by body language experts using confessional interrogation videos as demonstrations. This was, more or less, an emotional interrogation. And that inconsequential micro-motion was to make me feel more free and able to speak ‘off the record’. Woman to woman.
Nice try, bitch.
I became aware of how long it had been since she finished her question.
“What?” I was slightly annoyed, but also I’d forgotten what she’d asked after having paid such close attention to every single movement she made and how often she breathed, blinked and if her pupils dilated or not.
“I think it’s important. You have mentioned multiple times that you had ‘intercourse remorse’ but I wonder if those encounters were truly consensual in the act, or if you just didn’t know how to assert yourself and say no.”
I fucking hate it when people air quote. I sighed and made a very blatant eye roll.
“Consent is two people having sex without objection.” As the last syllable rolled off my tongue and hit the back of my teeth, I knew what her follow up question would be.
“...Are there times where you wanted to ob-”
“Listen,” I interrupted, “it’s not EVERY time you have sex with someone that it’s completely copesthetic and mutual. There are gray areas. Lines get crossed, boundaries are pushed. Do you think everyone had their first experience with, I don’t know, say anal sex in total and absolute excited agreement? I bet there is a fair population of people out there who avoided the conversation as much as possible, or they somehow agreed by verbal omission. Not saying an outright ‘no’ is a technical yes to the right, or wrong I suppose, creep. But even the healthiest marriages have moments where one partner is secretly not enthused to fuck. Despite their performance, they were tired, or had a headache, or an early morning but went through the motions for their partner's sake. It’s all bullshit! Or poker facing interests to match your partners! No one wants to kill the moment with rejection if they care for the person, and sometimes, I don’t know…you just don’t know what pressure, or force will be asserted by saying no so it’s just easier to… let the guy finish quickly without objection. It’s better than a half hour of uncomfortable skin bartering. Just bite the bullet and get it over with.”
I searched for any sign of response coercion from her, but I couldn’t find it. Just a stoic, and silent acknowledgment that I, in fact, disclosed all of that information.
Unprompted.
Unscripted.
I’ll plead a false confession if it comes to it.
Amanda Izzo
@amandawritesetc
Braver Collective Publication May, 2025
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I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of consent and what it really means to consent to something. Where are the limits of what someone can or should be allowed to consent to? How does that relate to sex, abortion, consensual non-consent, assisted suicide, gender dysphoria, and body dysmorphia? It seems to me that these aren’t just legal or ethical questions, but deep philosophical ones: not just how much agency we have, but how much we should have. Thanks for pushing the conversation in that direction.
I'm ashamed to say that I had to read this one a few times before I understood it.
Am I to understand that the therapist is a sort of antagonist here because she's lulling the protagonist into a false sense of security while oversimplifying the problem of consent? By asking her to define consent in one sentence, she's not letting her address the complexities of consent?
Certainly bad therapists can do that sometimes -- start to guide you towards the wrong conclusions, or guide you away from the point you know you want to make.
In which case this isn't just a story about defining consent, but about how challenging it can be to even find the space to define it?